finally
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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it