Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
seems like a niche market
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Why I divorced her.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.