Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet