I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
do horses think humans are hats
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway