I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture