Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
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Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.