Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
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When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister