Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
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My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Well, this is awkward
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.