yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like π π π until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isβ¦
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boss: youβre fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
ππ
Storm Tropical Storm
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Friend: Why isnβt your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: β¦.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke itβs because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I canβt make this stuff up people
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she canβt have any more treats until she loses some weight
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is βnot a valid reason to call 911β and I βneed to grow upβ
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas