“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”