Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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