I’M CRYINGGG
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If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach