People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
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It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same