This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
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My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
They did not miss in the small print
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
This forever.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”