Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
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One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”