[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
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Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
“We will wed,” I threatened
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?