It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.