*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
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We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Ron is short for Aaronald
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Hot hot hot 🥵