11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
When news reporters do sports stories
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.