The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
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Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I’m already scared
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.