that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
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My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
All is fair in drunk and war.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!