[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.