“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
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My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
guys I’m going home
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.