Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
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Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.