Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
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Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: