*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
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How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
How it started How it’s going
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.