My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
You Might Also Like
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped