I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
You Might Also Like
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Jesus Christ lmao
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.