If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
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I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Snapes on a plane.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes