If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.