Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”