not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
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A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad