concern
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Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.