My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
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Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.