Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
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The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
What if the weather talks about us?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move