I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
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Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.