Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
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When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
What’s this sorcery? 😂
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs