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my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
But wait…
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.