Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
You Might Also Like
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
time machine? you mean a clock?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.