Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
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I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*