I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Fries, not lies.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination