Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
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I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
This a good idea
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
had to make it
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?