Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
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Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?