I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Hmmmmm
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.