How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Saturday
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂