it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.