(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
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*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.