My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
You Might Also Like
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation