TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Children of the corn 🌽
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.