“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
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I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*